NO Surprises!

Ah, another weekend down.

Another lesson learned.
Imagine that.

What would this life be if I wasn't able to still learn new lessons every day?

So here you go - my lesson for your benefit...maybe you can learn from it too:

Sunday was "church day" and as always my children were happy to get ready and happy to go.  Mike's sister and her boyfriend had come back to town for an overnight visit and gotten in early enough to make it to church.  Natalee LOVES all her aunties and uncle figures and has especially bonded with her Miguel.  I thought it would be nice if I would not tell her that they were coming and let her be surprised.  Everyone likes surprises, right?

Yeah, right.
WRONG!

We arrived at church and Mike immediately shuffled off to the sound board.  In our congregation everyone is mixed - gender, ages, etc., when we are seated and generally our families sit together.  Our church family was slim because of the slick weather but, as I suspected, Kea & Miguel had arrived.  I expected Natalee to get excited, immediately run to them, and ditch me for the rest of church (provided she was sitting nicely and I allowed it!).

Instead,

she immediately withdrew, became very quiet and very sober, and came directly to me.
This is very unusual behavior for Natalee - especially if you know her and she knows you.
All during the service she kept putting her head on my shoulder, looking around with big eyes, and occasionally her eyes would fill with tears.  I asked her several times if something hurt her - her tights, her shoes, etc., and every time she whispered back, "no" but still she was sad and withdrawn.

Had I not just read the chapter in Raising A Sensory Smart Child by Lindsey Biel & Nancy Peske I might have missed what was happening.  I might have told her to straighten up, liven up and get over whatever was wrong.  Instead I recognized Natalee's behavior as an overreaction to an unexpected situation.  In this case, as described in the book, Natalee's response was to withdraw, to seek the safest place she knew (mom), and to try to block out her overwhelming feelings by shutting down.

Confused yet?

You see, in my opinion, Natalee was really actually overjoyed, super-excited, ecstatic to see Kea & Miguel.  But by me not preparing her for their arrival like I ALWAYS do she didn't know how to respond.  Unexpectedness.  And what looked like underreacting was actually overreacting.  Later in the day, once Natalee had warmed to the thought of her dear loved ones being home, she WAS able to show her joy and her emotion and she visited, rocked, played, and loved on them.

So what's it matter?

It matters because:  the next time something surprises Natalee she could totally flip the other way and become a human pogo stick - bouncing up and down, unable to sit, totally overstimulated.  Or...she might withdraw again. The key is that I (& we as a community that love & support her) recognize these emotions and these reactions and help her work through them.  If I had been callus and told her to buck up she probably would have had a meltdown during church.  Maybe not about me saying "buck up" but about something miniscule that didn't amount to much.  But by understanding her, being in her shoes, and loving her enough to help her work through it I not only avoided a meltdown but instilled in her that she is worthy of my deepest love and understanding.

Truly, my heart broke so much for her Sunday, not being able to express herself, that tears ran down my cheeks twice when she buried her head on my lap.

A mother of one of my dearest preschoolers journaled to me today a reminder that said, "Natalee is of God's most precious design and nothing about her is a mistake."  I know this - I know that He didn't error when He made her but sometimes I carry a lot of guilt wondering if I errored in the decisions we made when she was young - round after round of antibiotics, allowing vaccine combinations we weren't comfortable with, starting so many types of foods so young...

but alas, we can't go back so we must charge forward and vow that everyday we'll learn something new and figure out how it applies to our life.

Lesson #2 - Natalee is much like her mother and all other kids on the autism spectrum that I've met in this way:
surprises = NO fun!

I'll know better next time!